Bill Muehlenberg's Culture Watch

Time for crim rights

by Bill Muehlenberg

February 14, 2011

Political Correctness is not only a moral plague on any sane society, but it is also an indication of advanced mental deterioration. Some of the bizarre PC scenarios we read about in the press just never could be dreamed up by mere mortals. Truth really is stranger than fiction when it comes to the political correctness brigade.

Consider the latest example of idiocy, this time from the UK (which has been a regular source of such madness for quite some time now). The headline reads as follows: “Don’t put wire on your windows – it might hurt burglars! Villagers outraged after police order them not to protect garden sheds.”

Here is how the story begins: “Residents in Surrey and Kent villages have been ordered by police to remove wire mesh from their windows as burglars could be injured. Home owners in the villages of Tandridge and Tatsfield in Surrey and in Westerham, Brasted and Sundridge in Kent have said they are furious that they are being branded 'criminals' for protecting their property.

Locals had reinforced their windows with wire mesh after a series of shed thefts but were told by community police officers that the wire was 'dangerous' and could lead to criminals claiming compensation if they 'hurt themselves'. Surrey Police have defended the move but outraged residents have attacked the force for seemingly trying to protect criminals.

OK, so let me see if I have get this straight: It is now the case in parts of the UK that anything that might make it difficult for a burglar, or make his chances of success less possible, is now to be regarded as criminal behaviour. And anything which makes it easier and safer for the criminal to accomplish his crimes is now legally protected.

Right. Makes good sense. Reward evil and punish good. Facilitate crime and criminals while ordinary home owners are penalised and thwarted from protecting themselves and their property. Turn home security into a crime, yet make life easier for home invaders of every kind.

Now that we have that sorted out, all that remains is to ask a few more questions. The most obvious one is this: if we are really serious about this, then why don’t we go all the way here? Why take only half measures when we can do the job properly? Let’s show every criminal how much we are concerned about him and his welfare.

Thus I look forward to the police in these locations soon issuing the following orders to supplement what has already been given:

• From now on all home owners will no longer be allowed to lock their doors or windows. After all, the process of breaking down a door or smashing a window could prove to be harmful to the burglar, therefore it is now off limits.
• From now on all home owners will have a large empty van with the engine running just outside their home. They must also have dollies and carts readily available nearby. We all know that if a burglar tries to carry away a heavy item, such as fridge or a plasma TV, he might injure his back. We certainly do not want the criminal element in town having unnecessary backaches, so this will now be official policy.
• From now on all able bodied men will be required to stay home from work every Tuesday and Thursday, so that any burglars who come then can have assistance in removing various items from the home. Once again, concerns about sore backs or strained muscles must be paramount, so such assistance to the criminal element will surely help reduce such risks.
• From now on all homeowners must have ladders leaning against their roofs, so that any criminal who still prefers the old-fashioned routine of breaking into a home through the chimney can still have that option available. Your local police are all about choice, you know.
• From now on every private residence must list on their front door all the prized valuables contained inside, so that burglars will not have to waste valuable time casing the joint to see what are the best items to purloin. The most valuable and inviting items must be listed first, and then down to less tempting items.
• From now on, a fully packed medical kit must be available, along with a standby fully-qualified nurse, so that if any home invader finds himself injured for any reason, he can receive instant top-notch medical care.
• From now on all home owners must hire a qualified chef to have luscious meals at the ready at all times. After all, if a famished criminal is ransacking the joint, his basic right to having a full stomach must be respected. Indeed, if a crim notifies the home owner ahead of time about his favourite dish, this must be provided within 30 minutes of the notification.
• From now on all property owners must have a ready supply of various drugs on hand. We all know that many burglars are simply invading homes to help meet their drug addictions. So if these drugs were available on the premises, this would make things so much more pleasant for any drug-affected crim as he goes about his rightful business of home invasion.
• From now on all home owners will provide police with a weekly summary of any burglaries which have occurred. If none have happened in the past seven days, then obviously the home owner is making things far too difficult for your average criminal, and steps must be taken to remedy this gross injustice.
• Finally, from now on, in the interests of making the life of criminals safer and more secure, all home owners will simply have to give their homes and all their possessions to any petty thug who asks for them. After all, the name of the game is to keep those crims safe, secure and satisfied.

I hope this bit of advice to these English police will help solve what have clearly been some real inequities and cases of injustice for the poor criminal element living in their communities. If the police need any more such advice, I am always available to offer it. After all, I too have the criminals’ best interests at heart.